Cocktail Recipes, Spirits, and Local Bars

Ron Swanson Is Not a Fan of Molecular Mixology

Ron Swanson Is Not a Fan of Molecular Mixology

Nope, he does not want a whiskey-infused lotion

If we've been debating too much about whether mixology (including molecular mixology) has gone overboard, at least we know how Ron Swanson feels about it. How does Ron Swanson feel about it? Well, what do you think?

Personally, Pawnee, Ind.'s fictional molecular mixology hot spot, Essence, is way more elaborate than anything we've seen (and that includes The Aviary's cotton candy take on the Piña Colada). The drinks we saw at Essence:

• A cotton-candy version of a Bud Light (looking very similar to The Aviary's Piña Colada, now that we think about it)

• The Nimbus Martini (which looks like a giant water balloon, with an "aromosphere" that needs to be chiseled to release a liquored-up smoke)

• Scotch (which is really just a whiskey-infused hand lotion)

• Vodka (which is served in a beam of light, obviously)

You have to see it to believe it.


Watch 'Molecular Mixology' on Parks and Recreation

The whole molecular cocktail thing hits Eagleton when the Parks and Recreation crew visits a new bar in town called Essence. There, acrobats perform languid feats while dangling from the ceiling, liquid nitrogen clouds are everywhere, and all drinks are lit from below. There's vodka that comes "as a flash of light," and scotch is served in lotion form, complete with an awkward hand rub from the server. When Tom first presents the idea of going to the bar, Ron goes for it and says, "There's no wrong way to consume alcohol." Later, at the bar, Ron realizes "This is the wrong way to consume alcohol."

The clip prompted chef Grant Achatz, chef and co-owner of progressive cocktail bar The Aviary in Chicago, to tweet Aziz Ansari, who plays Tom, and ask him, "So. Are you making fun of us? @asizansari?" The show also created a fake drink menu for Essence on its website, including "Night Cap: Dissolvable Cognac earplug ($50 for 2 / $98 for 4)." See that slideshow here.


Cigar Aficionado

Dedicated watchers of “Parks and Recreation” know from having watched the episode (clip below) in which the boys do a bachelor party at a hipster bar and are served a Nimbus Martini, with an “aromasphere,” meant to be inhaled, a beer that looks like cotton candy and Scotch as a whisky-infused lotion that molecular mixology is the latest (well maybe not-so-latest) thing. While it’s not a very flattering representation, you shouldn’t be put off by the abject weirdness of those drinks. The art can be a lot more inviting and with the help of the Cocktail R-Evolution Molecular Mixology you won’t even have to leave home to enjoy.

For those uninformed: molecular mixology is the use of natural texturing agents to deconstruct food (in this case cocktail ingredients) and present it in a different form. The four basic techniques found in the kit are gelification, thickening, spherification, and emulsification. With them you can create sheets of rum, beads of fruit juice to float in your drink and foams for topping drinks.

A layered-look Screwdriver with intermittent tiers of vodka and orange juice.

The best thing about the product is that it puts everything together in a convenient package. The kit comes with five additive ingredients (calcium lactate, gelatin, sodium alginate, soy lecithin and xanthan gum) as well as measuring and straining spoons and pipettes for dripping liquid into calcium lactate to make beads. There is also a DVD with 30 video recipes.

The directions start you off slow with a foam made of celery salt and water, meant to be floated atop a Bloody Mary. From there you move onto a Gin & Tonic served with spheres of blue curaco (it’s a dramatic color, but we used Aperol for better flavor) suspended within. In a demonstration of reverse spherification, you make blobs that trap frozen mint leaves for use in a Mojito.

But that’s just the start. When you pick up the techniques you can move on to Kamakaze, Grasshopper and Gin Fizz emulsifications or Cuba Libre with spheres of cola floating in white rum. Another cool effect uses gelification to create a layered-look Screwdriver with intermittent tiers of vodka and orange juice.

Once you get the knack, you can let your imagination run rampant and come up with your own cool-looking concoctions. Check out Molecule-R.com for demonstrations videos.

Although Nick Offerman as the jaundiced Ron Swanson on “Parks and Recreation” proclaims, “This is the wrong way to consume alcohol,” we think the Cocktail R-Evolution people are onto something.


Ron Swanson’s Buttered Bacon Fat Bomb | Cr*p I Eat At My Desk

Looking for a quick snack? We know two things: Fat bombs are the rage in the low carb keto world, and bacon rocks the low carb keto community. Yay, fat is our low carb friend! We finally embrace that it takes fat to lose fat. Most of those fat bombs are sweet and feature ingredients such as chocolate and coconut oil. But Fluffy Chix Cook believe it’s hard to go wrong with the nutrition found in butter made from grass fed cows. And bacon. Mostly bacon. And if Ron Swanson ate fat bombs, we’re fairly certain he would make these his (after laughing at that cute little touch of Leslie the low carb craisin) favorite bacon-licious snack.

Oh noooooooooo’s! Another day of too-busy-to-eat and it’s 2:30pm. The Feed-Me-Seymour-Elevator finally made it all the way to the top and I have signals saying, “Feeeeeeeed me, Seymour!!”

And yes, we all have those days when we’re too busy to eat or need something to bridge the gap between meals. Right? It would be so simple to buzz through a drive through and order a McRib or slam a Big Mac. But hey, I like living! As we told you before, we don’t use fat bombs to enhance a meal or assuage a sweet tooth, we use them to replace or cut back on a meal through the magic of fat. I’m talking about assuaging real, physical hunger. And offer more hours of productivity without having to knuckle down and cook.

And that’s just what these little Ron Swanson’s Buttered Bacon Bombs do for us. Why? Cuz these are too dang easy to make, too good for their own good, and go down so very easy. I hear you right now. Some of you are judging. So judgy judgy. But if you’ve never tried buttered bacon my friend, well then you’ve never met Ron Swanson. Savory fat bombs drive the bus to Pawnee, baby. I’ll be back to let you know how long this little Susie-Snack tides me over. In the mean time I have chores to do and a table to whittle.

Here’s how we control fat bomb portions: Make only as many as you plan to allow for that “Susie Snack” meal. I chose to only make 3 today, since you get 3 out of a piece of bacon. So that’s how many I made. It took all of 1 minute these Ron Swanson Buttered Bacon Bombs.

There are so many ways to go with Buttered Bacon Bombs:

  • Purist – just straight butter, sea salt, and bacon
  • Blue – 1/2 butter, 1/2 blue cheese, a dash of Worcestershire, pecans, and bacon
  • Spiced – use your favorite savory or sweet spice blends with the pecans, and bacon
  • Sweet- use your favorite sugar free maple syrup to sweeten the butter, pecans, cinnamon and bacon
  • Cream Cheese – 1/2 cream cheese, 1/2 butter, jalapeno, bacon
  • Brie – 1/2 brie, 1/2 butter, bacon

Make sure to toast the pecans prior to making the fat bombs. Toasting the pecans really elevates the fat bomb. I keep some kind of toasted or Crispy Nuts in the fridge at all times, for just this sort of emergency ration! When we’re in a hurry, we simply throw them into a 350° oven for 8-10 minutes. Watch so they don’t burn. But when we are thinking straight, we make Crispy Nuts (recipe coming soon) which involves soaking the nuts in sea salt overnight, then dehydrating 6-8 hours at 105° (the nut setting on the dehydrator). Also, the Keto Craisin post will be ready this weekend!

Throw the toasted pecans together, scurry back to the dim recesses of your poorly lit desk and devour! No questions asked. No apologies. Just wham, bam, thank-ee mam!

(By the way, the Sriracha Butter Bacon Fat Bomb did not make the cut. Sure it was easy. Sure it looked good in theory, but meh. I loved the Ron Swanson so much, one of mine didn’t live to see the streaming neon flash for these awesome, super exciting, desk photos!!)


Ron Swanson’s Five Favorite Foods

It’s a well-established fact that I’m a big fan of Parks and Recreation, and I’ve watched this last (really good) season with a sense of impending loss. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a small Midwestern town myself and recognize an uncomfortably large number of the characters as people I know, or maybe it’s Ron Swanson’s libertarian instincts that appeal to me more than I can say, even while I’m laughing at them, but either way, I already miss this show.

So here is my ode to everyone’s favorite Scotch-swilling, breakfast-loving carpenter, who taught us that “This is America. You want to live in North Korea? You can live in North Korea. I don’t want to. I want to live in America,” and once gave a landmine to a 10 year old in what he saw as an act of kindness: five recipes based on his very specific diet, which often involves bacon. They are based on past episodes, and while hardly comprehensive, they represent a veritable “meat tornado” of his favorites:

“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have… I’m worried what you just heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.’ Do you understand?”

Serves: 1, if it’s for Ron, 6-8 for those with less hearty appetites.

Prep time: 25 minutes to cook the bacon in the oven, 6 hours to braid the bacon into a wreath, but well worth it

Ingredients

Directions

Painstakingly join sections of bacon together so they appear to be seamless, creating one long braid of bacon to be formed into a wreath on a large baking sheet. (Good luck with this.)

Bake bacon in 450 degree oven until done, 25-30 minutes. Cook one dozen eggs (sunny side up) in melted butter in an iron skillet – just like the skillets our forefathers used.

“That’s my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I’d go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.”

-Ron Swanson, The Banquet Season 1, Episode 5


Serves: see above

Prep time: 20 minutes

Ingredients

Directions

  1. Wrap a slice of bacon around each shrimp, and fix in place with a metal skewer.
  2. In a 450 degree oven, place bacon and shrimp onto a baking sheet and bake in oven about 10 minutes.
  3. Remove from oven and take skewers out of shrimps.
  4. Serve immediately as a small hors d’oeuvre.

“If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn’t want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?”

-Ron Swanson, Leslie’s House, Season 2, Episode 14

Serves: Ron Swanson
Prep time: 15 minutes, plus 15 minutes to boil eggs and another hour for them to cool in refrigerator

Ingredients

  • 1 dozen eggs
  • 3 tablespoons Miracle Whip mayonnaise
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • ½ medium white onion, grated finely

Directions

  1. Boil eggs for 15 minutes until they are hardened.
  2. Peel eggs and carefully slice eggs in half, the long way.
  3. Ease egg yolks out into a bowl.
  4. Add mayonnaise, grated onion, salt and pepper to the egg yolks, and whip with hand mixer until egg filling is smooth.
  5. Using a teaspoon, fill hard-boiled egg whites with the egg yolk mixture, and refrigerate for several hours.


Notes from my mother about this recipe: “Be sure to get one of those cute egg dishes with the little indentations for putting the eggs in. Otherwise they slide all over the plate and you can lose the whole batch if you trip.” And “I don’t like to put the onion in because it comes up on me.”

“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whisky and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at once because I am a free American.”

-Ron Swanson, Sweetums, Season 3, Episode 15

A T-bone steak and a Porterhouse steak are the same cuts of beef, from slightly different parts of the loin area of a cow.

Serves: Ron Swanson or an entire Little League team

Prep time: 30 minutes

Ingredients

  • 1 16-ounce T-bone steak, 1 ½ inches thick
  • 1 24-ounce Porterhouse steak, 1 ½ inches thick
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • 4 cloves garlic for roasting
  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • Whiskey and cigar optional

Directions

  1. Set grill to “conflagration”.
  2. Rub steaks with garlic and pepper.
  3. When grill is hot, cook steaks, searing the outsides until they are black. Cook 7 minutes on each side exteriors will be brown, but animal will have stopped mooing.
  4. Salt heavily. Top with large pats of butter, garnish with garlic, and serve.

In spite of the fact that Ron Swanson holds the Lagavulin Distillery in such high regard⁠—almost to a point where it’s blasphemous to mention any other whisky⁠—there are eight other Islay distilleries on the island. Each one has its own specialty and is unique in its own way.

  1. Ardbeg
  2. Ardnahoe
  3. Bowmore
  4. Bruichladdich
  5. Bunnahabhain
  6. Caol Ila
  7. Kilchoman
  8. Lagavulin
  9. Laphroaig

However, there will soon be 10 with the opening of the Farkin distillery.


20 Celebrities Who Are Actually Superstar DIYers

Whoa, do we have some serious celeb scoop to share with you all. It has nothing to do with the Illuminati (unfortunately), little to do with who’s currently dating whom (fortunately), but it’s a major Hollywood secret that we’re going to blow up right now. Get TMZ on the horn, y’all — we rounded up a list of superstars who are living second lives as Makers. From homebrewing to woodworking, knitting to homemade beauty and batches of baked goods that will sadly school your Z-list souffle any day, here is a list of celebrities who are keeping DIY alive in Tinsel Town. Stars, they’re just like us here in the Brit + COmmunity :)

1. Taylor Swift: Besides being the reigning queen of country pop crossovers, TSwift holds another crown, one that she probably glued glitter and gems on herself.

With regular fresh-baked cookie Instagrams, homemade jam gifts and Drake lyric embroidery for bestie Ed Sheeran, we hereby dub Taylor Swift Queen of the Celebrity Makers. Now, who wants to bake a cake and celebrate — Tay Tay?

2. Tori Spelling: From gold-flecked brownie recipes to kid-friendly pop culture party ideas to upcycled projects (like the above refurbished flea market find!) Tori is a homemaker to the max for her and her fam. The star has a budding DIY empire on site ediTORIal and even hubby Dean McDermott talks making (and baking) on a section of his site called The Gourmet Dad.

3. Lauren Conrad: A fashion designer, an everyday beauty guru, a thrower of epic bachelorette parties and a DIYer?! And you thought “her 15 minutes” was the only thing the former reality star could make into something way more )

LC is also a master baker, as evidenced by her mouthwatering Instagrams. We’ll take a slice, Lauren!

4. Gwyneth Paltrow: There are homemakers and then there are mansion-and-beach-housemakers. Guess which category Gwyn and her lifestyle company Goop fit best into?

We kid, GP — we’ll come over for your fresh-made meals (especially this delicious looking brunch you recently Instagrammed) anytime.

5. Hanson: Newsflash for your friendly neighborhood hipster dude who think he invented craft beer — Hanson was there before you, brah. The MMMBoppers-turned-indie rockers are also the men behind MMMHops, a full-bodied pale ale brewed in their hometown of Tulsa, OK. Something tells us they have a bigger hand in this than, say, Britney Spears has in her line of perfume :’(

6. Jessica Alba: No, that’s not a TBT pic of Jess — it’s her mini-me Honor DIYing Valentine’s Day cards on mom’s site! The Honest Company’s blog is filled with DIY projects for the whole family. And you can bet that they’ll be kind on the planet!

7. Blake Lively: Known for whipping up treats to bring to set (including that cake for ex Penn Badgley), the Gossip girl has five star, haute gourmet chops. Nab her puff pastry recipe here!

8. Mindy Kaling: Maybe she’s a n00b in the 3D printing world for now, but after seeing her bracelet making skills at Google’s recent Made With Code event, we believe she has a promising future in the maker movement.

Everyone has to start somewhere, Mindz, why don’t you continue your studies at Brit + Co SF!?

9. Shailene Woodley: This all-natural actress is back to basics when it comes to her beauty routine and would rather make than buy. Shailene even almost became an herbalist (!!). She makes tea out of pine needles when she’s sick, brushes her teeth with clay, whitens them with sesame oil and suns herself to keep yeast infections at bay.

10. Gabby Sidibe: The Oscar-nominated actress said that her dream growing up was to be a seamstress — she even showed off some of her early work for Barbie on Twitter. We’d rock the look, one shoe and all.

11. Katie Holmes: Picture it — Katie and daughter Suri having QT crowded around the family sewing machine, making curtains and pillows for Holmes’ sweet home. Nope, that’s not a staged photoshoot for Vogue, that’s real life for crafty Katie who grew up in a home with a maker mom. “Bring lots of crayons, glue, good paper and you can turn any room into a very warm, familial place,” says Katie. Agree!

12. Busy Phillips: Another DIY mama on the list, Busy says that she and daughter Birdie are “really into arts and crafts. I’ve always been a crafty person.” One of their recent projects was turning a cardboard box into a fairy house. We’re not totally sure what a fairy house is, but we like the maker spirit in all of its forms — even the occasional fantastical one.

13. Amy Sedaris: The Crafts for Poor People author even ran a cupcake business out of her home. I MEAN.

14. Nick Offerman: Will the real Ron Swanson please stand up? No need, Nick is the real deal, a woodworker and craftsman (yes, those are his whiskey coasters above!) who also probably appreciates bacon just as much as his Parks and Rec character.

15. Pippa Middleton: There are many reasons to want to attend a party thrown by Pippa Middleton including, she is really good at it as evidenced by the pic above/her premiere book Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends.

16. Paris Hilton: We know a LOT about Paris Hilton, but did you know the socialite, hotel heiress, coiner of the phrase “That’s hot” was really into (wait for it) scrapbooking? We may have dreamt it. Or… no, wait, yes, those are pictures from Paris Hilton’s line of scrapbooking supplies — including The Boy Is Mine kit. Yup.

17. Zooey Deschanel: Stars — they’re just like us in that they, too, get into baking when it’s holiday time with family and friends! The star makes sweet treats, like brownies and shortbread to quell end-of-the-year sweet teeth and her New Year’s Eve chocolate on chocolate chip pie (above!) has us craving 2015 a little early.

18. Alyson Hannigan: “This one time, at lunch…” Moms, dads, everyone who brown bags it: we should all take a tip from HIMYM star Alyson Hannigan and the lunches she crafts and packs for her little ones. Rabbits constructed with carrots, strawberries carved into hearts — a mermaid! It’s almost too pretty to eat, and when it is, you’ll thank the food selfie gods you can immortalize this masterpiece meal on Instagram.

19. Cara Delevingne: One of the members of Wool and the Gang‘s gang = Cara D. The supermodel modeled their cartoon beanie at London Fashion Week and took up knitting backstage between shows. She’s just one of many stars who can be seen with those kinda needles — Julia Roberts is actually credited with kicking off the Hollywood knitting craze (everyone from Cameron Diaz to SJP does it). Mad Men star Christina Hendricks brings knitting to set AND may or may not be a cover girl for a popular knit pattern book. No, really.

BONUS: We don’t have a shot of Becks at the potter’s wheel, but this picture of David Beckham painting pottery with his kiddies just had to make our list in some way.

Did any of the celebs on this list surprise you? Know a superstar who’s a super maker in their downtime? Share below!


Cocktail Hour: And the Winners Are…

Anyway, thank you to everyone who entered, and for your patience with the new commenting system…something that probably sent a few of you to the nearest bar. Sigh.

Before we get to the honorable mentions, runner-ups and the winner, allow me to once again give a very special thanks to Funimation for sponsoring this week’s contest and providing a Roku box for Topless Robot to give away. Now hit the jump to find out the victors!

“Kryptonite”

1 1/2 oz vodka

1/2 oz everclear

Fill with equal parts green Monster or Amp energy drink and green
gatorade of your choice. Shake with ice. Serve as shooters or cocktail
over ice. (This drink WILL take down even the Man of Steel!)

The Ron Swanson

Whiskey – from the bottle

Serve with a dozen eggs and two pounds of bacon on the side.

The Mary Sue – Highball (Sickly sweet, and sparkly)

1 oz Goldschlager

1/4 oz Sloe Gin

1/4 oz Chambord or Blackberry Schnapps

Fill with juice of choice, preferably mango or guava

Add grenadine

Smurf Juice

4 oz whipped cream (by volume)

4 oz cup blueberrry juice

3 oz vodka

Stirred not shaken. Stuff coats the throat and make you as loopy as Gargamel.

The Earthworm Jim

2 oz Tequila

1 oz Jim Beam

8 oz blue Gatorade

1 Sour Gummi Worm

Pour mixture into an empty Bud Lite can and place Gummi Worm into the
top threaded through the tab. Drink until you can unintentionally
refer to a girl in the bar as “Princess What’s-Her-Name”

Genesis Punch

Ingredients:

-1 part rum

-1 part 7-Up, Sprite, or similar

-1 part pineapple juice

-Grenadine (for color)

-Diced and mashed mango, pineapple, and oranges

Preparation:

-Combine ingredients.

-In lieu of shaking by hand, give martini shaker to Kirk as Khan
tells him he’ll be marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead
planet, buried alive. BURIED. ALIVE.

-Strain. Serve over ice.

The Wonka

1 Part Kahlua mudslide mix

1 Part Peppermint Schnapps

1 Part Marshmallow Moonshine

1 Part Wild Blue Beer

1/2 part 99 apple

1/2 part Boone’s Farm

Castle Grayskull

rocks glass with ice

3/4 oz Boru Vodka (a Castle brand)

3/4 oz Crystal Head Vodka (comes in a glass skull bottle)

1/2 oz Kahlua

1/2 oz half and half creamer (or a heavy whipping cream from carton, not whipped)

Slurm:

1 oz. Midori

1/3 oz. Three Olives Dude

equal parts sours and sprite.

(optional add one mezcal worm, and fill a soda can or bottle)can be made as a shot or a drink.

Surprisingly very refreshing.

The TARDIS (Tasty And Refreshing Decline In Sobriety)

Blue Curacao

Blue Raspberry Vodka

Bombay Sapphire Gin

Drink a few and things get “Wibbley Wobbley”.

A few more and things get “Timey Wimey” as you wake up in the future.

Keep going and you’ll find yourself staring into the porcelain vortex pondering about how much bigger you must be on the inside.

The Captain Mar-vell:

Mix any Human drink with any Kree Drink and then add uranium dust. Drink it and wait to die from cancer.

The Adventure Time Smoothies!

The Finn and Jake- blend ice, milk, vanilla ice cream, bananas and
peanut butter. Garnish with blueberries (for color). Serve with a
sword-shaped cookie.

The Princess Bubblegum- blend ice, milk, strawberry ice cream, a few
slices of fresh strawberries, whipped cream with candy sprinkles. Serve
with a peppermint on the side.

The Ice King- blend milk, vanilla ice cream, blueberries (2/3),
avocado (1/3) and condensed milk. Serve with an extra layer of shaved
ice. Garnish with a pineapple ring cut into the shape of a crown.

LeChuck’s Revenge – A drink for mighty pirates

1 pint Monkey Island grog – Lime green jello made with too much vodka so it doesn’t gel

1 shot dark rum

“One Piece” Nihonshu (Sake)

1 shot Captain Morgan’s

1 cup salt water

backwash from Dread Pirate Roberts

“Sleep well. It’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”

The Thor:

1 part Sweet Honey Mead

1 part Hard Apple Cinder

A dash of Goldschlager

When done drinking, smash glass and declare, another!

“The Perfect Sidekick”

1 oz Orphan

2 oz Fighting skills

1 oz Whining Bitch*

*Whining Bitch not necessary but generally unavoidable

“The Lemon of Zelda”

1 1/4 oz. Bacardi Limon

6 oz. Lemonade

3/4 oz. lemon juice

1 slice lemon

1 sprig mint

White Walker

Small dash of Parfait d’Amour (a bright blue liquor) in the bottom of a martini glass.

Layer 2 oz of gin (with a dash of Vermouth) on this using the back of a spoon.

If done correctly, you should wind up with a martini with a small “eye” of electric blue at the bottom of the glass.

(A variation of this might be to use Blue Curacao and vodka.)

Once thought to be a myth, this drink is becoming more common with the Wildings north of The Wall.

#1:
“the Whedon”
The ingredients dont matter because it’ll taste great no matter what
goes into it… The catch, however, is that drinking it will cause the
death of someone you love.

The Gin-esis (aka The Phil Collins)

-1 Guinness

-1 shot gin

-Drop the gin into the Guinness, car-bomb style, then shout out loud
“Ba dum dum, da duh!” while banging on the bar top and slam the drink.
If you spill it you must start over and call it a Peter Gabriel.

Wolfman’s Nards

One Large Barrel Shaped Pint of Root Beer

One Shot of Bailey’s Irish CremeOne Shot of Vanilla Vodka

Drop those bad boys in your pint and drink up! See? Told ya. Only one way to kill a werewolf.

Take
8 ounces of dry Irish stout, the black blood of the earth. Mix in a
shot of espresso for those long nights on the road. Then add a generous
shot of Maotai, a fermented sorghum spirit that’s strong enough, at
106 proof, to shake the pillars of heaven. No, you don’t need to go to China
to get it. China is here.

What do you call it? Jack Burton calls it the Pork Chop Express.

PUNY GOD

In a brandy glass, Mix the following

3 parts blue tarantula tequila (100 proof)

2 parts rum (70 proof)

1 part absinth (the UN-diluted barely legal kind)

1 Part 99 bananas

Shake, Drink and feel as if you told the Hulk that you are a god. as you fall down and feel as if he flung you around like a rag doll

THE WAVE MOTION GUN:

Combine 2 parts Bottom-Shelf Tequilla with 1 part Ipecac Syrup.

Pick a fight with the haughty, blue-blooded frat boys at the bar.

Just as they are about to close in on you, unleash the contents of your stomach in a mighty blast of pure destructive power.

Journey onward, leaving devastation in your wake.

JLA Movie

1oz Superman

1oz Batman

1/2 oz Wonder Woman

1 splash Flash

1 splash Green Lantern

1 splash Aquaman

1 splash Martian Manhunter

12oz DC fans’ tears

Pour all ingredients except tears in a cocktail mixer. Shake well.
Pour the mix down the drain in full view of the customer. Hand them the
tears in a hurricane glass and turn on The Avengers movie.

The Chris Latta

1 part blue curacao

1 part sour cherry liquor

1 part grenadine

The GYGAX:

Ingredients: 4-sided dice + misc. liquors and additives + pewter goblet (4sp)

4 steps:

Roll 1d4:

(1) = Vodka (2) = Rum (3) = Whisky (4) = Gin

Roll 1d4

(1) = Soda water (2) = Coke (3) = Ice (4) = Bitters

Roll 1d4

(1) = Lemon (2) = Mint (3) = Cherry (4) = Kobold ear

Mix ingredients in goblet drink.

Recommended: Roll 1d20 for save against self.

The Topless Robot- You’ll need:

1 shot glass

All your dignity

1 bottle of Jack (or whatever is cheap and/or on sale – bonus points if it comes in a box)

1 bucket

First off, grind up all your dignity that’s still left and put it in the shot glass… Throw it away.

Next, chug the bottle.

The bucket should be self-explanatory.

This drink pairs quite well with Fan Fiction Friday.

THE HOLY HAND GRENADE

“Yes of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Tis one of the
sacred drinks Brother Maynard Imbibes. Brother Maynard, Read to us the
recipe!”

-First thou must pour into a glass, a ? ounce of Coconut Rum.

-Second, thou must pour on top another ? ounce of Coconut Rum.

-Thirdly, thou must pour a ? ounce of Watermelon Liqueur.

– Next shalt thou add a ? ounce Triple Sec, and the number of ounces of Triple Sec thou shalt add will be ?.

-Then thou must fill the rest of the glass with Sweet & Sour. Till it is a thumb’s length from the rim shalt thou fill.

-Once the glass is almost full, addest thou a splash of Lime to thy drink.

-Afterwards you must add to the mixture 1 Red Pepper.

-After you have ceased your mixing, and see that thy work is good,
then thou mayest add the final ingredient. Dry Ice. Take heed that thou
dost not drink the Dry Ice itself.

For best results: Shout “One, Two, Five!” Before Drinking.

poultryman42 nabbed the win thanks to a clever and well-written entry that might actually make for an excellent drink at nerd meet-ups. Congratulations (and enjoy your new Roku, courtesy of Funimation). Thanks again to everyone who entered, and if you lost this time around you can always drown your misery in some sweet sweet booze.*


Storyline [ edit | edit source ]

Ann Perkins and Chris Traeger are both busy prepping their respective bachelorette and bachelor parties for the bride and groom-to-be. Ann's party is going to be a typical bachelorette party: dancing, Jell-O shots and anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped. The guys, on the other hand, have a more low-key night in store Ben Wyatt's idea of a good time is beer and board games.

The guys indulge Ben in a game of Settlers of Catan. As the game comes to a close, Tom Haverford finally reaches his breaking point, and suggests that the guys pay a visit to Eagleton's hot new bar, Essence, which specializes in "molecular mixology." The guys get to talking and quickly realize than none of them had Bachelor parties before their weddings. Chris declares that tonight, everyone gets their own Bachelor party experience.

Meanwhile, at the bachelorette party, all of Ann's diligent planning seems to be going to waste. Leslie Knope discovers that Councilman Jamm is moving forward with their plans to turn the infamous Lot 48 into a Paunch Burger branch. Leslie contrives a plan to get revenge, littering the pit with what she hopes will pass as sacred Wamapoke artifacts, and thus halt all construction on the lot. But the second she does, she realizes she's made a horrible mistake. She confesses her mess to the girls and recruits them to help her fix it.

For the next stop of the bachelor party adventure, the guys pay a visit to Jerry Gergich's favorite ice cream parlor, the location where he first met Gayle. After raising a cone to Jerry, they talk about Andy Dwyer's dream plans, which include a Colts game. Chris calls in a few favors and arranges for Colts owner Jim Irsay and Andy's favorite players Reggie Wayne and Andrew Luck to meet them at Lucas Oil Stadium. The guys wrap up their adventure with a visit to one of Ron's favorite joints: St. Elmo's Steak House, where their meal is paid for by Roy Hibbert, the Indiana Pacers player who was previously employed by Entertainment 720. Also at the restaurant with Hibbert is Mason Plumlee, another NBA player, from Indiana, uncredited and without spoken dialog. Newt Gingrich makes an surprise, unexpected appearance when Jerry accidentally confuses the table for the one he requested.

The bachelorette party spends all night digging in what turns out to be a miserable night. To add insult to injury, their efforts were for nothing – her artifacts are found at the site the next day. They later meet with Ken Hotate of the Wamapoke Tribe, and Leslie privately confesses to him what she did. It's clear that Leslie's truly sorry, but her damage may be irreparable.

The bachelor party turns out to be great success, but the guys only wish that there was some way they could show Chris just how much they appreciated his efforts. They buy Chris a "Best Best Man" trophy and reassure him that someday he'll meet the perfect girl for him, who's a super fit health goddess. But Chris surprises the guys, saying that someone who shares all of his interests may not be what he's looking for anymore. All he really needs is someone who values happiness and friendship. This inspires Ben to set up Chris with reporter Shauna Malwae-Tweep, who's excited to write a story on Chris' bachelor party adventure.

While meeting with Councilman Jamm and Leslie, Hotate confirms that the artifacts were not legitimate. But before he lets Leslie confess, he pulls a surprising move and tells Jamm that he didn't like the way he went back on his word with Leslie, as it reminds him of the way the settlers treated his ancestors. He threatens Pawnee Restaurant Association spokeswoman Kathryn Pinewood with removing Paunch Burger establishments from the Wamapoke Casino if Jamm does not back down. This scares Jamm straight, and he agrees to put aside construction for now.


Why Nick Offerman Doesn’t Miss Ron Swanson

In his 2015 book, Gumption, Nick Offerman wrote, "Now, as long as anyone is listening, I will holler about Wendell Berry." For those that don't know, Wendell Berry is a farmer, environmental activist, novelist, essayist, and poet who lives and works on the tobacco farm he grew up on in Henry County, Kentucky, and Offerman's favorite writer. Offerman goes on to tell how he was working as an understudy and make-up artist at Chicago’s Steppenwolf Theatre in 1995 when a colleague, the late actor Leo Burmester, gave him a book of Berry's short stories, Fidelity. It was a gift that changed his life. Offerman went on to read all of Berry's work — which currently stands at 13 works of fiction, 17 essay collections, and 17 books of poetry — much of it two or three times over, and claims it as a guiding influence in his life.

When Offerman heard that Austin-based documentarian Laura Dunn (The Unforeseen) was making a documentary about Wendell Berry, he signed on as a co-producer. That film, The Seer, will premiere at SXSW later this month. It focuses on Berry's passion for ethical land use and the benefits of small farms, an ideal he championed long before farm-to-table dining came into vogue. At his own request, Berry does not appear in the film, although audio from interviews with him serve as narration throughout. As the title suggests, the resulting film is about the world Berry sees around him — his farm, the nearby Kentucky River, the surrounding woods, and his neighboring farmers, men who have seen their land and livelihood taken over by agribusiness.

Do you have a favorite moment in the film?
It's hard to be objective answering that question because there's this great piece where Wendell talks about comparing farming and writing to other arts. He says, "somebody putting together a musical composition, or building this stool." And Laura asked me to then be filmed building a three-legged stool. I built this stool in my shop, and we filmed it. And so footage of just my hands and tools making this stool made it into the film. To have my clumsy hands working on a piece of furniture to illustrate something Wendell Berry is saying. If that's not the pinnacle of my career, then I don’t want to live anymore. I love that the best thing I've ever done in a film doesn’t involve seeing my face. That's the selfish answer.

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The unselfish answer to that question would be towards the end of the film. Wendell doesn’t appear in the film. And I think she's (Dunn) done such a magnificent job of making lemonade with that particular lemon. It’s funny because now thinking about the film, I haven’t seen it for a couple of months, it’s hard to remember that he’s not actually in it because his voice and the photography work, he is so present without actually being filmed. But at the end of the film, when she has that footage of him in Spokane from the 70s, I just find so flatly moving that this young farmer, writer from Kentucky had such a prescient vision that he was able to speak to that convention with such confidence and common sense. It sort of brings it all home for me, and it also exemplifies the way that he’s been saying these things for decades.

You got to meet Wendell Berry. Is that correct?
It is correct. I had written him a handful of letters over the years. I was turned on to his writing about 20 years ago. And I immediately wanted to adapt his work and began writing and asking him for permission. And he communicated that he didn’t want anybody adapting his work, but nonetheless we wrote some friendly letters. And I think I was able to communicate to him that I had a sense of humor. It was really nice to write and receive letters from him.

Eventually, when I got involved with Laura's movie, Laura said I could probably let the family know that you're an okay guy, and basically I got her approval. With her signing off, they agreed to let me come to meet Wendell and his wife Tanya. It turns out their son Den was a fan of my woodworking and he had my article in Fine Woodworking magazine, which details a router jig that’s used for flattening a big slab of wood, if you want to use it as a table top. I think that may have legitimized me in the eyes of the Berry household more than anything.

As a craftsman yourself, both with woodworking and theater, is that ideal of starting with a vision of perfection something you think translates to other art forms, and how important is it to any art form to start with an ideal of perfection?
Absolutely. I think it's profoundly eloquent analogy to life, to any human effort. To my thinking, that's the best kind of ideal. Don't give yourself any defeat before your start. I'm working on my third book right now about woodworking, which is called Good Clean Fun, and among the projects in the book, I'm making a couple more stools based on the one I made for The Seer. Literally, I'm in my shop today working on this stool. When you begin any such effort, you go into it. That's the human condition. You say okay, that last one I thought was going to be perfect but I screwed up this and this. So now this time, I'm going to do it the next one. And since I made those two mistakes and learned, so now this one should be perfect. Invariably I'm human, there will be a flaw or six or sixteen. And then I'll say okay, then I'll take that into next season’s harvest. I think the gift of Wendell Berry to the human race is to take the art of farming, and communicate it to us through his art of writing in such a moving way, which is still enjoyable in its own right.

There’s another quote that also comes at the beginning of the film "When we make our art, we are also making our lives and I’m sure that the reverse is equally true." It strikes me Wendell Berry has this, not idyllic, but very intentionally simple life and he lived on his family's land and does things he loves. You're very lucky that you have the woodshop that you are passionate about, and you are able to act. How do people who don’t live as obviously an artistic life, or a life as connected to place, how can this apply to them?
I take myself back to the time before I had a woodshop. I think that your place can exist in the world, whether it's your family's farmland or your woodshop. But I think it can also exist within a person, because I think that before I had my woodshop, I had other places where I found my solace, and the places of my fecundity or my artistic peace. And sometimes it was in the theater, literally, sometimes it was fishing with my dad. Wherever I've lived, I've always had a place where I could go walk in the woods. That's always been a practice of mine, or a park. When I've lived in New York City, I depended on Central Park and the Cloisters, and Prospect Park in Brooklyn when things were roiling for whatever reason in my life and I need to just go and have a good think, I walk in the woods. The task usually becomes clear then.

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If there's someone completely new to Wendell Berry, what are the books that you think they should start with?
I get asked that a lot. My usual answer is if you think you are going to like fiction more than essays, then I steer them toward the short stories. There's a book called Fidelity, and there’s Watch With Me. Both of those are great bite-sized, introductory pieces of fiction. There are really funny ones, and there are great dramatic ones. Those were the first ones I read, and it's not as big of a commitment as diving into a novel. But I think that the characters and the world in those stories will hook the reader, and like me, you have to consume his entire body of work. And if people are more prone to non-fiction, I tell them to get his book from last year, which is called Our Only World.

Just as a last question, if you don’t mind. Do you miss Ron Swanson?
(Laughs) Oh, gosh. That's a very good question. No, no. I don't. I miss the idyllic life that is involved around Ron Swanson, by which I mean the collaboration with all the people who made Parks and Recreation. In my adult career, I always thought it would be more centered in the theater than in film and television, working on Parks and Recreation was the closest time I ever came to experiencing the dream of artistic coalition that I always hoped for. You get the right bunch of people together, we can make something that does a lot of good. And that was an incredible time. But I'm also very aware, in the nature of that first quote from Wendell Berry of the temporal nature of such works. I’m not a specialist, I'm not the guy who just sculpts the human figure in marble and so it's easy to trace my progress from a young artist to a master. I'm much more of a dancing fool who has the opportunity to visit many carnivals, and that was the finest carnival I have ever gotten to dance at.

But no, I don't miss any role that I've had the good fortune to play, especially because I got to play that one a lot longer than any other. It was a beautiful time and it changed my life in a lot of great ways, but to long to return to it would be looking too much to the past. I'm trying to look in the other direction, and do some other good work.

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